Growing Pains

That was a heavy night. 

I started it by staring into the blank, robin's-egg-blue void of the sky; feeling that familiar sensation of drowning. I knew that if I let myself go I would fall into that blank, blue-grey abyss... flying, flying into nothingness. 

I watched a rabbit eat blades of grass then flee into the woods. 

I drove through the dark to my grandmother's house and told her that her brother-in-law is dying. I gave her a hug and drove back home through the same dark. 

I poured a half-glass of booze and read up on suicide. I made it very clear on my social media soapboxes where I stood. I proceeded to publicly chastise those who disagreed. 

I talked to my mom for an hour about sex and shame, guilt and redemption. Her phone died while we were still saying our goodbyes. 

I talked to my wife about pregnancy, about our daughter's loneliness, about wanting to run away to Chicago and start a new life. 

I took a painful shit and felt my eyes grow weary and dry. Then I finished my drink, pounded this diatribe out on my tablet and went to bed. 

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe stuff won't be so real in the morning. I do tend to go through heavy phases. 

Even when I was a kid I would grow out before growing taller. I hope that's what this is, the weight gain before the growth spurt. 

I hope I get really emotionally tall in the coming weeks.

Remember I love you,

Gabriel

End.