When I knew my wife was asleep, I logged into the cam site and checked the top rooms list. I could feel the rush of forbidden pleasure wash over my brain and tingle down my spine.
I scrolled through the chat rooms one at a time. I looked for a girl who wasn't wearing too many clothes, but who wasn't completely naked either. After all, what fun is there in watching a woman who is so completely calloused to the potential sensuality of the situation that she puts on a routine dog and pony show for a bunch of equally desensitized masturbators?
No, I was after the tease - the wait - the thrill of inevitable pleasure held off until the right moment. I wanted it to feel naughty, to feel like I had worked for it. To pretend that I was slowly turning her on. Never mind that it was the ring of the tokens rolling in that truly motivated her state of undress.
You don't think about the 163 other men in the chat room with you, slowly stroking their stalks and tossing in their gold coins. That would be gross. In fact, if you have about $50 you can get a pretty good private show wherein the girl of your choice will play along with the farce; loudly climaxing on camera for your headphones only. She'll even call out your name.
Sure, pre-recorded porn is free and more easily accessible. However, there's no personal connection to the scream queens in those pirated or armature videos.
With cam girls, the action is all happening in real time. The thrill comes from knowing that you are both touching yourselves on the same planet at the same time, both staring deeply into the same digital sea.
We ride the crests of zeros and ones together to climax. I say thank you and log off for the night, clearing my browser history and throwing away the paper towels. Then, I crawl in bed next to my wife's sleeping form so I can snuggle out the sudden rush of oxytocin as I fall asleep.
.
.
.
They say there are too many hypocrites in the world.
Most people who are two-faced think the solution to being less of a liar is to become a better person, to sin less, to try harder; but this inevitably leads to failure and disappointment. You're still a liar, even if you are truly striving for piety while you wear your mask of righteousness.
No, the real solution for dealing with hypocrisy is to be completely and brutally honest.
Porn is a thing.
In America, nearly 65% of all men watch pornography at least once a month, and almost 35% of American males think that watching pronography is morally acceptable.
So why hide your secret sins behind locked doors and laptop screens? Why not be honest about who you are, and admit that you are doing the best you can?
They say admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery.
Well, for better or worse, here goes nothing....
I really enjoy watching porn.
It relieves my stress without having to abuse a toxic substance. It helps me fall asleep when my brain is running a hundred miles an hour and sounding like a giant state fair. Masturbating helps me last longer with my wife, and means that I can go longer between lovemaking sessions, which is good because we both lead very busy lives.
They say you can't learn how to have better sex from watching porn, but my cunilingus skills prove otherwise.
And yes, my wife knows about my solo sexual escapades. We don't keep secrets from eachother, not even dirty ones. Furthermore, because of my honesty, she knows she can trust me on the deepest level. She knows my flaws and helps make me a better person.
I'm not going to bring up sex trafficking, or the negative effects of a really harmful porn addiction, or the objectification of women. That's not what this post is about.
This is about me being honest with you, dear reader, by pulling back the mask of my propriety and being super real about who I am. This is about battling hypocrisy with the truth.
I am brave enough to admit my defeats and shortcomings.
Are you?
End.
Post Script: If you would like to discuss anything further, please chat me up. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Yours,
Gabriel
