Things Only a Really Fat Guy Would Understand, Part 22

When you've maintained for three years, but your pant size still keeps getting bigger. 

End. 

Things Only a Really Fat Guy Would Understand, Part 21

When you're the big spoon but you feel so far away. 

End. 

Monday, No.

I haven't written anything this weekend.

I didn't edit the video of my family's interviews.

I didn't go swimming or even for a walk.

I did cook a meatloaf and a pork roast. 

I did watch many episodes of the Clone Wars. 

I have many long naps after sleeping in. 

I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. 

I am worried that there still a week until pay day.

I am looking for an excuse to schedule a holiday. 

Sometimes I just need a weekend after my weekend. 

How am I more tired now than I was on Friday?

It seems being unproductive has produced very little.

I should have made something. 

I should have written something. 

I should have gone for a swim. 

End. 

Summer X, At the Lake

Under hydrated

Sweaty

Heavy jeans stick to my legs

Mayflies black 

Whip thin tails

A dozen hang in a spider's web

Under shade tree 

Reading

Moving to stay out of the sun

Cicadas sing

Buzzing

I think I may go for a swim

The lake is still

Refreshing

The sun beats down in waves

Floating peaceful

Resting

On a Saturday afternoon

End.

Summer IX, Playing With Matches

The house went up like kindling

Years of growing, learning, loving

Gone

I knew every floorboard's creak

The hidden places in the basement

Dark

Now fire truck bright flashing lights 

A flood of city water rains down

Heavy

The fire, along with our belongings

The pictures, clothes, and books

Crushed

Years of memories now reduced

To wet, bruised, ash-covered

Kindling

End.

Summer VIII, Polar Vortex / Pizza Feast

This polar vortex thing again

We order two large pizzas

It's summer in Kansas

But the wind is cool and strong

My daughter eats three slices

One for each of her years

The hops in my beer taste like pine

I lean back in my chair and smile

We all over eat

A pizza feast for three

Then carry the rest home in boxes

To eat cold on Saturday morning

End.

Playing House, Part 1

This needs qualifying. 

I only want to say three things, and I promise they are not excuses. They have, however, been an important part of me being able to forgive myself, heal, and live a normal life. 

One. I was only a child when these things happened.

Two. I had no understanding of what I was doing. 

Three. We never had sex. 

Due to years of repression, and the shock of the moment, I cannot remember things exactly as they happened. I remember it like a film nior scene. Words will not serve to fully describe the night my father found us. 

He stood filling my doorway, silhouetted against the light outside my bedroom. Only one time since have I ever felt a fear so crippling. 

I remember he told her to go get dressed. 

I only remember one thing he said to me that night. 

"I want to kill you."

I spent the rest of the day thinking he would. After all, isn't that what I deserved? I knew what I was doing was wrong; but I also knew it was the only way to make me feel normal after my penis got hard. 

The weeks that followed were filled with shame, sleeplessness, and agony. Mostly, at my own hand. 

This shit was way to heavy. I remember one other thing my dad said to me later that day. 

"Do you know why you are in so much trouble? Because what you did was an adult thing, so you are in an adult amount of trouble." These words were spoken with a heartbroken tone, and I remember feeling how hurt he really was. I don't think he was able to fully comprehend the situation much better than I was. 

I'm a dad now, and I can say with certainty that I have no idea how I would respond. 

I plan on sharing this story in parts as I can. I need to talk to the people involved before I share more details. 

The reason I am writing at all is this. If we are ever going to stop hypocrisy, we need to be willing to step up first. Before I can tell others to share their stories, I must first be honest about mine. 

They say the truth will set you free. I have just begun a quest to find out if that is true. 

End.